Realizing My Needs
Once again I'm sitting at my dining room table. I love the view out of the sliding glass door. The back of my home faces the woods. So what I get to gaze upon is the beauty of the fall colors as the leaves change colors. Soon winter will be upon us. Not that I'm in any great hurry for that season to come along. Sure it's pretty to look at. However, I hate going out in the snow. I hate driving in it even more. I know, you're now wondering why I live in Michigan then, aren't you? Well, I live in in Michigan because this is my home. I've lived all over the US, and I keep coming back here. No other state can touch the beauty that is Michigan throughout each season.
Now I am reflecting back on what I got done yesterday. Well the answer to that question is easy. NOTHING! Do I feel guilty that I spent the entire day yesterday sitting on the love seat watching Bar Rescue? I should, but I don't. I turned in three weeks of past due paperwork at Michigan Works yesterday morning; then came home and did nothing the rest of the day. Am I aware that the kitchen needs to be cleaned, the laundry done, and my bathroom cleaned? Sure, I 'm aware of it. Yes, I do care as well that this all needs to be done. However, I just can't find the energy to get up off my butt, and get it done.
Depression is an ugly thing. You can't tell someone who has depression to just get over it. I'm single. Every night as I crawl into my big empty bed, I'm reminded of this fact. I don't like being alone. And so then I become even more depressed. When I'm seeing someone, the dark cloud above me lifts just enough that a little bit of sunshine can escape through. This little bit of sunshine is just enough to help me feel a little bit better. I can find the energy easier to get up and do what needs to be done around the house. I enjoy working in the kitchen more when I'm seeing someone. And before you say that my kids should be enough, think about that statement. There are needs that are met in a relationship that your children can't meet. A relationship provides intimacy, sexual fulfillment, friendship, and companionship. However, I refuse to settle for the first guy that comes along. I deserve more and better than just settling.
I want a man who will appreciate me, and not take me for granted. I want a man who enjoys a good home cooked meal every night. And I'm not talking about some Meal Kit either. I do the grocery shopping. I plan each meal out myself. And I cook each meal from scratch. I don't cook a bunch of processed meals for my family. I want a man who will enjoy cuddling on the couch, and watching a movie or TV program. And I want a man who watch Lions and U of M football with me, and cheer on my boys with me. And most importantly, I want a man who can accept the fact that I have children. Also said man MUST BE FAITHFUL. I am loyal, honest, and faithful. I expect nothing less in return. I don't think I'm asking for too much. This is what I need right now.
I have a beautiful home. But I am faced with the fact that I must sell it, and move. If my children and I ever hope to live our lives without CPS harassing us, we must move to a different County away from here. We need to move somewhere where no one knows us; so we can have a fresh start. Even if that means not telling ANYONE where we're moving to. We don't need nor want anyone contacting our neighbors, sharing information about our past with them. This move is a fresh start, a clean slate for all three of us. My older children, parents, and siblings would know. But they would be given instructions not to tell anyone our location. I would even change my cell phone number. Boy, that would really cut down on the unneeded and unwanted contacts in my phone. Sorry for rambling. The plan is just unfolding in my mind as I type this out.
Well, I suppose I should get busy on the days chores. At least try and get SOMETHING accomplished today. I'll let you know tomorrow morning how I do today. Enjoy your day everyone. Blessed Be.
Now I am reflecting back on what I got done yesterday. Well the answer to that question is easy. NOTHING! Do I feel guilty that I spent the entire day yesterday sitting on the love seat watching Bar Rescue? I should, but I don't. I turned in three weeks of past due paperwork at Michigan Works yesterday morning; then came home and did nothing the rest of the day. Am I aware that the kitchen needs to be cleaned, the laundry done, and my bathroom cleaned? Sure, I 'm aware of it. Yes, I do care as well that this all needs to be done. However, I just can't find the energy to get up off my butt, and get it done.
Depression is an ugly thing. You can't tell someone who has depression to just get over it. I'm single. Every night as I crawl into my big empty bed, I'm reminded of this fact. I don't like being alone. And so then I become even more depressed. When I'm seeing someone, the dark cloud above me lifts just enough that a little bit of sunshine can escape through. This little bit of sunshine is just enough to help me feel a little bit better. I can find the energy easier to get up and do what needs to be done around the house. I enjoy working in the kitchen more when I'm seeing someone. And before you say that my kids should be enough, think about that statement. There are needs that are met in a relationship that your children can't meet. A relationship provides intimacy, sexual fulfillment, friendship, and companionship. However, I refuse to settle for the first guy that comes along. I deserve more and better than just settling.
I want a man who will appreciate me, and not take me for granted. I want a man who enjoys a good home cooked meal every night. And I'm not talking about some Meal Kit either. I do the grocery shopping. I plan each meal out myself. And I cook each meal from scratch. I don't cook a bunch of processed meals for my family. I want a man who will enjoy cuddling on the couch, and watching a movie or TV program. And I want a man who watch Lions and U of M football with me, and cheer on my boys with me. And most importantly, I want a man who can accept the fact that I have children. Also said man MUST BE FAITHFUL. I am loyal, honest, and faithful. I expect nothing less in return. I don't think I'm asking for too much. This is what I need right now.
I have a beautiful home. But I am faced with the fact that I must sell it, and move. If my children and I ever hope to live our lives without CPS harassing us, we must move to a different County away from here. We need to move somewhere where no one knows us; so we can have a fresh start. Even if that means not telling ANYONE where we're moving to. We don't need nor want anyone contacting our neighbors, sharing information about our past with them. This move is a fresh start, a clean slate for all three of us. My older children, parents, and siblings would know. But they would be given instructions not to tell anyone our location. I would even change my cell phone number. Boy, that would really cut down on the unneeded and unwanted contacts in my phone. Sorry for rambling. The plan is just unfolding in my mind as I type this out.
Well, I suppose I should get busy on the days chores. At least try and get SOMETHING accomplished today. I'll let you know tomorrow morning how I do today. Enjoy your day everyone. Blessed Be.
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