Deep Thoughts
As I sit here writing this, I have no name for this post at this time. Things here at the house have been both crazy and Hell for the last almost 8 months. I know, this statement requires an explanation. So here goes. Back in March, the State took my children. Ever since, I have been jumping through hoops one after the other to get them back. The saddest part is that with all of the allegations they had NO proof at all for any of them. First they tried to railroad my then 12 yr old autistic son by accusing him of touching my then 9 yr old daughter. And it was right there in their Investigation Reports that she told them in the Forensic Interview that he didn't touch her. Of course they chose to leave that fact out of their Petition for Removal. Next they tried to get me for Medical Neglect because my daughter had hives. YES!!! Someone called CPS on me because my little girl had hives. Well, they couldn't get me for the Medical Neglect because I had called the Pediatrician each day, for three days. On the third day when they hadn't cleared up any, I scheduled an appointment for her for that same afternoon. I had also slathered her with Anti-Itch Cream, Hydro-Cortisone Cooling Gel, gave her Benedryl for the itching, and tried the Aveno Oatmeal Bath as well for the itching. And if that wasn't enough, I went and asked my Pharmacist if she had any suggestions that I hadn't already tried. What more could I have done? And then their final allegation was that I had a dirty house. My daughter had some of her toys on the floor in the living room as well as some of school papers. We also had two dogs at the time. I had let both of them out to do their business, and had left them out for 45 minutes. That gave them both more than enough time to go to the bathroom. When the worker showed up about my daughter's hives, both of the dogs then came back into the house. While I was dealing with the worker, my daughter's puppy messed in on my daughter's bedroom floor. I didn't notice the dog even go in that way because my attention was diverted elsewhere. Well after having demanded to see my daughter's hives, the worker then said she needed to inspect the house. And of course she saw the fresh dog feces on the floor. However, she took NO photos of the house to prove that it was anywhere near as bad as she was trying to portray in her petition. And of course when we went to court, the Judge granted the removal without any photographic evidence to prove the house was an unsafe living environment for the kids.
For the first month after the removal of my children, I went only to my appointments and my visits with my children. The rest of the time I didn't leave my home. My depression threatened to swallow me whole. I cried nonstop. I barely ate most days. I scrubbed the walls of my house on the days I was able to function, with the help of friends and family, of course. I rented a carpet shampooer, thanks to my Aunt Toni, and cleaned the living room carpet. It's such a light shade of grey that it shows up all of the dirt without any actual effort. In fact, from the looks of it, it looks like it needs it again. I got rid of the puppy before the removal. And I even got rid of three of our cats as well. So now we have one dog and two cats remaining.
The depression is still a constant battle to keep at bay most days. These last eight months I don't know what I would have done without two very special ladies who work for Ausable Valley Mental Health. They helped me get through some mighty dark days and nights. And even though I knew that I could text either one of them whenever I needed them, there was one I leaned on more than the other. I don't know what I would have done without her all this time. And even now, she has been such a huge support to me, and a great friend. She keeps me sane when I can feel the crazy creeping in on me.
We are getting ready to enter into the eighth month of my children being gone from the home. Sure we've finally reached our goal of unsupervised visits, in the last two weeks. But with every passing day it doesn't feel like we're getting any closer to the kids coming home. Every time things start to look like we're getting there, the Foster Care worker yet again changes the game plan on us. She'll tell me one thing, my son's placement another, my daughter's placement another, and the court yet another. She never has all of us on the same page. She wonders why I don't trust her; but how can I trust someone who lies to me or changes things all of the time? Example, back in August she came to my home to do a Home Inspection. She tells me in front of my Wrap-Around coordinator that the house looks great, I'm making great progress, and to keep up the good work. Then we go to Court the following week, and she tells the judge that I cleaned up the house "Somewhat" and that I wasn't showing any effort towards change. Then most recently, she came to my home the beginning of the month with the Parent Agency Treatment Plan. She tells me that nothing in it has changed, that she just had finally been able to enter in the things that my attorney and I had requested back in June at the Mediation Meeting. She said she needed my signature on it. I trusted her, to my detriment. In fact, she had changed it. She had added something to it that was not in the first one, but tried to claim that it was. And yet she wants me to trust her. How can I work with someone whom I can't trust? She's shown me time and time again that I can't trust her. She's shown me that she doesn't have my children's best interests in mind when she does things like this.
DHHS says that they worry about my mental stability. And they allow her to continue to do things that adversely affects my mental stability. I know the definition of Paranoia is believing that someone is out to get you. Well I'm not paranoid, but DHHS really is out to get me. Their actions have shown that time and time again. The schools here aren't much better. They wanted to call CPS every time my daughter had an accident at school, even though they knew full well that myself, Mental Health, and the pediatrician were already trying to deal with the issue. That wasn't something that required a phone call to CPS. I came up there EVERY TIME they called me because she had had an accident.
So now here I sit, eight months later. Hoping that something good will come mine and my children's way. Yet I can't help but feel that CPS is targeting us for a reason that they won't disclose to either I or my attorney. So I continue to jump through their hoops, hope for a better outcome than the last, and hope at each hearing that that will be the one where my attorney stands up and says "Enough is enough!" But until then, I will continue to work on myself, contrary to what our Foster Care worker says, be there for my children as much as the State and their placements will allow me to be, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day than the last.
For the first month after the removal of my children, I went only to my appointments and my visits with my children. The rest of the time I didn't leave my home. My depression threatened to swallow me whole. I cried nonstop. I barely ate most days. I scrubbed the walls of my house on the days I was able to function, with the help of friends and family, of course. I rented a carpet shampooer, thanks to my Aunt Toni, and cleaned the living room carpet. It's such a light shade of grey that it shows up all of the dirt without any actual effort. In fact, from the looks of it, it looks like it needs it again. I got rid of the puppy before the removal. And I even got rid of three of our cats as well. So now we have one dog and two cats remaining.
The depression is still a constant battle to keep at bay most days. These last eight months I don't know what I would have done without two very special ladies who work for Ausable Valley Mental Health. They helped me get through some mighty dark days and nights. And even though I knew that I could text either one of them whenever I needed them, there was one I leaned on more than the other. I don't know what I would have done without her all this time. And even now, she has been such a huge support to me, and a great friend. She keeps me sane when I can feel the crazy creeping in on me.
We are getting ready to enter into the eighth month of my children being gone from the home. Sure we've finally reached our goal of unsupervised visits, in the last two weeks. But with every passing day it doesn't feel like we're getting any closer to the kids coming home. Every time things start to look like we're getting there, the Foster Care worker yet again changes the game plan on us. She'll tell me one thing, my son's placement another, my daughter's placement another, and the court yet another. She never has all of us on the same page. She wonders why I don't trust her; but how can I trust someone who lies to me or changes things all of the time? Example, back in August she came to my home to do a Home Inspection. She tells me in front of my Wrap-Around coordinator that the house looks great, I'm making great progress, and to keep up the good work. Then we go to Court the following week, and she tells the judge that I cleaned up the house "Somewhat" and that I wasn't showing any effort towards change. Then most recently, she came to my home the beginning of the month with the Parent Agency Treatment Plan. She tells me that nothing in it has changed, that she just had finally been able to enter in the things that my attorney and I had requested back in June at the Mediation Meeting. She said she needed my signature on it. I trusted her, to my detriment. In fact, she had changed it. She had added something to it that was not in the first one, but tried to claim that it was. And yet she wants me to trust her. How can I work with someone whom I can't trust? She's shown me time and time again that I can't trust her. She's shown me that she doesn't have my children's best interests in mind when she does things like this.
DHHS says that they worry about my mental stability. And they allow her to continue to do things that adversely affects my mental stability. I know the definition of Paranoia is believing that someone is out to get you. Well I'm not paranoid, but DHHS really is out to get me. Their actions have shown that time and time again. The schools here aren't much better. They wanted to call CPS every time my daughter had an accident at school, even though they knew full well that myself, Mental Health, and the pediatrician were already trying to deal with the issue. That wasn't something that required a phone call to CPS. I came up there EVERY TIME they called me because she had had an accident.
So now here I sit, eight months later. Hoping that something good will come mine and my children's way. Yet I can't help but feel that CPS is targeting us for a reason that they won't disclose to either I or my attorney. So I continue to jump through their hoops, hope for a better outcome than the last, and hope at each hearing that that will be the one where my attorney stands up and says "Enough is enough!" But until then, I will continue to work on myself, contrary to what our Foster Care worker says, be there for my children as much as the State and their placements will allow me to be, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day than the last.
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